N.O.V.E.M.B.E.R

and please be nice......

Raya Reflections

Like previous years, this year's Raya celebration wasn't any different. Went home to my mother's place in Seremban on the eve of Eid, visited my in laws and went back on the second day to visit relatives in our kampung in Kuala Pilah. Hectic but enough fun for the children - catching up with their cousins and relatives from near and far.

During my Raya visits, as we traveled the long winding road to where kampung really is - Kuala Pilah, as the serene and calm atmosphere of life in the village came into view, I got to thinking – what if there was a swap? Instead of me visiting relatives in the kampung, it was me they were visiting. It was me tucked in the traditional kampung house. How different would life be? Instead of attending to clients in corporate office, I was now tending to chickens and ducks.

If I lived here, what would I look like? And how is my lifestyle?

Funny that some of these thoughts came in to mind at this juncture in my life. It had been a rough month in a couple of ways. So many challenges I am faced both at work and home front brought me to thinking of the what if's. These events occur – causing me to stop, reflect and re-evaluate the many facets in my life that I have comprised.

As we visited one relative's house to the next, I felt a bit sad. Although the old kampung house looked the same, but as faith had it, we had lost a number of our dear ones. An aunt spoke very dearly of her husband who had passed on two years ago. I recall those early days in my marriage when the couple used to fuss over lemang and rendang during our Raya visit and how they insisted that we had enough to feast ourselves plus packed some home later. They were simple folks but they sure had such a big heart.

Then we met another aunt who has been providing loyal care to her ill husband. The old man who is almost 80 now, suffers from diabetes and selective amnesia. It isn't easy she said but she is left with no other choice. Tempers would flare once in a while but one could see that she's not going anywhere but be with her man – in sickness or in health till death do them part, remember?

I wonder had it been me – would I be able do it? Would I be as loyal as my aunt? Would I be willing to sacrifice my own physical and emotional needs? Will there be feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness, isolation, exhaustion? And how would I deal with it?

Now, reflecting back on all the choices I made in life, I hoped these choices will help make bring happiness and contentment. I know some have and some not – well maybe not yet. I tell myself that occasionally, events will occur. And during these periods I may need to re-evaluate and re-prioritize things, abandon what does not belong or is making life difficult and stressful, and seek out what truly matters.

If we didn't give it a try we would never know, would we?

Reality Hurts

Huh?? Since when have I become a relationship counselor? Do I even look like one? And please do not expect me to make character judgments. I hate doing that!!

Someone who is very much involved in a relationship forwarded these very disturbing lines to my email. Outchhh…reality hurts; if I were to read from accepts of email keramat tu.

The great love that I have for you is gone, and I find my dislike for you grows every day. When I see you, I do not even like your face.

Our last conversation was very boring and has not made me look forward to seeing you again. You think only of yourself. I have a heart to give, but it is not something that I want to give to you.

I could only think of this as my reply to her email - “Sabar lah…..”

What else was I to say; these matters of the heart are not easy to tackle. Perhaps I should add this one liner - “Chill dear….clear your mind, go for a break and pray for the best.”

Not at all a detrimental reply, kan?

Hopefully the message gets across coz I’m so not looking forward to getting sequels of such emails over the weekend. Perhaps I should add the picture below too in order to hammer the message.

Yes….I’m going on a break myself. Tired of battling too many stormy weathers and putting off fires of blazing hearts.

Take care everyone….see you next week!!

Accept As Is

Someone close accused me of not carrying out my responsibility well. It hurts when facts are put blatantly upfront.

Yes, I have erred a lot. I am no saint, and neither am I perfect. I make heaps of mistakes. And for that I am sorry. I accept what I did wrong and try to do better next time. But I’m not going to punish myself forever.

To that someone, if you must know, yes, regrets I have a few.

There is regret when I look back and realize that I could have done more. Yes, there’s also that remorse feeling when I know some of my actions are not right.

To that someone, I’m not in the business of fault finding. I have too much in life to be spending time doing that.

I’m sorry if life wasn’t fair with you. Yes, I know, I’ve been there: life is never fair. But it’s fantastic. It’s unique, unrepeatable, one of a kind, beautiful, simple, challenging, sweet, hard…

All you need to do is, take a step back and find reasons to love life.
Lighten up. Accept life as it is.

Makkah Stories – Part 3: Andai Ku Tahu….

The call for this special solat would come almost immediately after any one of the five compulsory daily prayers. As I stood in line with the rest of the jemaahs, I just couldn’t help but wonder who it was out there, laying motionless, unable to respond to the world around him. Yes, I am referring to solat jenazah which is performed after solat waktu in Masjidil Haram.

With the hundreds of thousands present in the Holy City, death is imminent. It was every where – the sick, the healthy, young or old, age does not matter. When your time is up, that’s it. Others bid their farewell to you and hopefully you’ll be missed and remembered.

It was Mom who taught us to perform solat jenazah. She guided me at my first umrah and during this trip, Farah was under her tutelage. Mom said pahala banyak if we did the solat jenazah for the dead and it is an ibadah that we should at any time try to do.

As I concluded the solat, these thoughts kept coming to me. What if the dead was one of us? It could be me, could be Farah, could also be dear Mom and it could also be all there of us. Tears would well up in my eyes, as I visualize the grief of my family when receiving the news. I pray to Allah, to have mercy on us, to allow us still breathe his air and am able to worship Him still. Ya Allah, panjangkan usia kami agar masih kami dapat menghambakan diri pada Mu.

Although this trip did not pose much alarm on our health, I didn’t want to take any risks. One day Farah came home from solat and complained that her throat hurt so bad. I started her on antibiotics, just as our family doctor advised before we left. There were also times when Mom looked exhausted. Immediately, I had to change our ibadah plans – reducing the strenuous ones, only concentrating on the main solats.

When I was a little girl, I used to listen to my Grandmother’s Haj stories. Of the many she told us, I’d always remember the ones about those who died on board their kapal haji during the journey to the Holyland. With her distinct sound effect she’d describe how the body was let out to sea. “Bushhh…. bunyi eh bilo mayat orang meningga tu, dilopeh eh kek dalam laut, ” and I’d gasp for breath in suspense every time the story was told.

If listening to stories was enough to freak me out, this other incident remains fresh in my thoughts still. It happened during my Haj in 2005. We were on our way from Arafah to Mina. Although the distance between the two places was not far, the movement of the millions that night dragged our travel time, resulting stress amongst the jemaahs in the bus. One pak cik who was seated two seats in front of us, suddenly fell ill and started to have breathing difficulties. Most of us panicked when we heard the wife screaming during the otherwise calm and still journey. I didn’t think the pak cik was going to make it. Alhamdullilah, he recovered and made it back to Mina and later to Makkah to complete his Haj.

All these that I had witnessed and heard are my reminder that our mortality is REAL and that holding onto to things of utmost importance is the key to life. Death is inevitable, and everything except the Almighty God of course, will perish.

Allah SWT berfirman: “Hai orang-orang yang beriman, bertakwalah kepada Allah dan hendaklah setiap diri memperhatikan apa yang telah diperbuatnya untuk hari esok (akhirat), dan bertakwalah kepada Allah, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa yang kamu kerjakan” (QS Al-Hasyr [59]: 18).